A dirty car pulled up to the curb beside me as I was walking to my 5th grade school. 
Through a waft of cigarette smoke, a scruffy, bearded face enticed me to come in the car. I took off like lightening in the opposite direction. Even today, when seeing an unkempt beard on a stranger, I feel unsettled. I was fortunate to dodge a huge ACE that day.
ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. These traumatic events create impressions that can cause negative future impacts. A sound spiritual foundation along with processing these experiences and understanding the dynamics of the reactions they create can help overcome personal and relational problems.
As a marital educator working with and observing couples for the last 20 years, it is often apparent, that as aspiring devotees we may know the philosophy intellectually and yet have a difficult time applying it in our practical life due to the subtle and or gross conditioning of past traumatic experiences.
A physically or emotionally painful ordeal becomes imprinted in the neuro pathways of the brain. Years later, some event, which may be mild and not connected to the past event, can viscerally trigger the memory, smell, taste, emotions, fear, anxiety, and panic of that past traumatic event. This stored recollection can induce us to respond with conditioned, split second, unconscious reactions, which can complicate life. They are not the responses that we would normally have from our higher selves.
Let me illustrate this with a few examples of trauma induced interactions (names have been changed and the situations may be compilations of various cases). They illustrate the nature of reactive responses, which drag us towards the modes of passion and ignorance
Gita dasi and Ram dasa had been married for 30 years and had gradually developed a repeating conflict. He would often come home from work, walk in the kitchen and ask his wife what she was doing- which over time became an annoyance. She would be cooking and snap, “What kind of stupid question is that? What does it look like I’m doing? I’m cooking!” He would sometimes withdraw and sometimes get angry. The rest of those evenings were disconnected and strained. After some relationship education, Gita dasi replied to Rama dasa’s usual question of “What are you doing?” with her feelings and not a criticism. “When you repeatedly come in the kitchen and ask about something that seems rather obvious to me, I get a bit annoyed and frustrated.” Instead of becoming defensive, he acknowledged her irritation and asked if they could have a discussion after dinner about this habitual exchange.
Sitting down later, using reflective listening, or in Vaishnava terminology, revealing one’s mind in confidence and hearing in confidence, (guhyam ākhyāti pṛcchati) he was able to realize on a deeper level what was driving his behavior. As a child he was often left alone for long periods, resulting in him feeing abandoned and unloved. The experience created an anxious need to feel a secure connection, which resulted in that ongoing query when entering the kitchen. She realized his actions were a bid for a loving, secure connection. With this mutual understanding, their dynamic changed. Instead of reacting negatively she began to respond with a hug, and some kind words. A little open, heart to heart communication corrected the disconnecting pattern which had its origin in adverse childhood experiences.
Let’s look at what happens in more serious trauma.
Sita dasi, as a toddler, was punished by being placed on top of a high fridge in the kitchen, alone, which left her terrified. One day her husband texts that he will be late to pick her up. She becomes triggered, feels the same visceral feeling of abandonment, fear and panic of her childhood, and becomes angry and extremely hurt by her husband’s message. Her husband is bewildered by her reaction to what appears to be a minor situation. Through therapy, Sita was able to process the past tragic abusive events and separate the past from the present. She can literally comfort her child of the past in current situations and then express her needs and feelings in a manner her husband is able to receive and understand. She can now respond in the mode of goodness, and he can compassionately reply with sensitivity and an awareness of how Sita can be triggered in certain situations.
Let’s look at the result of even more severe trauma.
As a child, Atma dasa was emotionally abused, being constantly ridiculed, blamed, threatened and sometimes beaten. In his home atmosphere, he felt like he was constantly walking on thin ice. This resulted in a very low sense of self-esteem and a deep feeling of inadequacy. He compensated for this as an adult, by becoming an obsessive hard-working achiever, although any criticism would scrape his painful childhood scars and he would respond with the rage modeled by his childhood care givers. This became very problematic in his marriage. If his wife expressed the smallest doubt or correction, he would explode into extreme anger and eventually even physical violence. He had never processed the deep scars of his past. The smallest sense of criticism would rub open those childhood wounds, and he would respond in the only way he knew, with extreme anger, which, in turn, produced a surge of adrenaline, numbing the pain of his feelings of inadequacy and giving him a sense of power and control. He had become an anger junkie repeating the intergenerational cycle of abuse and was displaying an absolute failure of compassion.
His wife eventually demanded he get help and learn to treat her with the respect and compassion she deserved. He sought therapy and was able to process the past emotional wounds, develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and learn to respond to situations based on his values of kindness and compassion, rather than be triggered reactively by the scars of the past.
The unfortunate reality is most men in this situation will only seek help if their partner threatens to leave unless they seek help, or, when they get a court mandate for counseling resulting from a charge of domestic violence.
Sometimes a question arises, “Shouldn’t canting the Holy Name be sufficient to cure these problems?” The answer is a resounding, YES, based on Srila Prabhupada’s purport to SB 1.15.22
“Therefore, all the sages and devotees of the Lord have recommended that the subject matter of art, science, philosophy, physics, chemistry, psychology and all other branches of knowledge should be wholly and solely applied in the service of the Lord. …Scientific knowledge engaged in the service of the Lord and all similar activities are all factually Hari-kīrtana, or glorification of the Lord.”
The Lord can manifest in many forms where we can take shelter when the need and opportunity arises.
Taking advantage of the proper tools in the pursuit of pure devotional service enables us to overcome anarthas, elevating our behavior to the mode of goodness with respectful Vaishnava behavior, and then toward pure goodness. An effective process of anarthas nivritti, accompanied by heartfelt sadhana is essential for developing shuddha nam, pure chanting.
The 10 ACEs measured in the research conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Preventionl are:
- Physical abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Verbal abuse
- Physical neglect
- Emotional neglect
- A family member who is depressed or diagnosed with other mental illness
- A family member who is addicted to alcohol or another substance
- A family member who is in prison
- Witnessing a mother being abused
- Losing a parent to separation, divorce or death.
Many other types of traumas may also have an impact, such as natural disasters and community violence.
If you have experienced one or more of these (ACE test) and are experiencing repeated relationship problems, ongoing depression, emotional numbness, fear, anger issues, chronic disease, or addiction it is important to seek help for yourself. Even on a subconscious level these traumas can be sabotaging our lives.
The practice of Bhakti yoga can be of immense help in overcoming trauma. Many therapists recommend yoga, meditation and mindfulness. If, despite our spiritual practice, the above symptoms remain, professional counselling can help.
Along with the process of bhakti yoga, counselling can give meaning to the past and help us develop healthy behaviors, which when practiced, form new neurological pathways that guide us to beneficial responses which are no longer overridden by paste negative experiences.
As Srila Prabhupada says in BG 14.10 “But if one wants, he can develop, by practice, the mode of goodness and thus defeat the modes of ignorance and passion.”
By playing our cards appropriately, we can transform an ACE into an opportunity for growth.
Partha dasa is one of the founding members of the Grihastha Vision Team. Together with Uttama dasi, his wife for over 50 years, they have been serving the Vaishnava community by offering couple to couple premarital and marital education and by presenting seminars internationally since 2005.
